I have never been the typical girl. If you know me or my story, you know I was never someone that followed what the norm was. In high school I was the quiet invisible one that hid behind her flannel, baggy jeans, and long hair. I never had a boyfriend and I didn't want one until God brought him to me. Even when I was in my twenties I was never the girl that had a "DREAM WEDDING" in her head. I was of the mind of when it was in Gods timing I might get married but I was willing to live the life like Paul (from the bible) and be single for the rest of my life.
When Bryan and I were dating the one thing were sure about was that if we ever wanted to have kids it would be way in the future and when we knew we were ready, if we would EVER be ready. See I never wanted to be a mom. I never had that feeling that I wanted to be in charge of another human being. The only thing I ever wanted to be in charge of was a cat. Bryan never wanted to be a dad. We were perfectly fine being the awesome Aunt and Uncle that we already were. I had basically raised my oldest nieces when I was and they were growing up. They were always with me. I would give that experience up for anything. I knew what it took to raise a child, being an aunt and in childcare for so many years, and I never wanted to have that kind of responsibility.
I know you must be thinking then why are you having a baby then....I will get to that....
2019 was the hardest year of my life. I had to watch a man that I followed behind everywhere (literally) start to wither away. Wither away to something I could never imagine. I watched the laughter start to fade away as tired and pain set in. I watched my Dad slip away and the cancer finally win the fight my dad so amazingly put up.
Then 2020 hit. My family got sick with covid, including me and it was the worst time I have ever experience. That was the end of March and as the weeks and months went by I still wasn't getting 100%. My hair was falling out in clumps, I MEAN CLUMPS, I was still extremely tired. I slept more in the last months that I have ever before. I would google symptoms to see if anyone else had the lasting covid symptoms I was experiencing. I thought that was what was wrong with my body. I thought covid had messed with my hormones and my body so much and that is all that i was think it was. When I got to Florida I looked in the mirror and I noticed a faint brown line running down my stomach, that was the middle of July. I looked it up finding out that it was a sign of pregnancy. Again I thought I wasn't, it couldn't be, so I again I just thought that it was the lasting symptoms of covid. By August the line wasn't going away and I started to feel flutters in my stomach at night so I went to get a test to see if I was pregnant. Spoiler Alert I was.
I cried instantly. I cried because the thing that was suppose to protect me didn't. I cried because I never wanted to birth kids. I cried because I wasn't healed from loosing my dad and In-laws. I was stuck and it just felt like bricks were being added to my already humongous wall. I cried because I didn't want any of what I was about to go through. I didn't know how far I was along. I just wanted it all to go away. I just wanted to feel better after not feeling good since March. I asked God why me when I knew He knew my heart. Bryan very calmly looked at me and said, "you know we could always give it up for adoption" I then quickly replied, " Bryan we can't give up our baby for adoption. That is not what married couples do." I was sick to my stomach I didn't sleep all night. As I was laying in my bed I started looking at adoption agencies around Florida, Daycares in the area, how much leave I got for maternity, and anything else I knew we would have to be thinking about. I called my best friend in the morning the next morning and she just listened to me cry. She listened as I told her what I was thinking. That we weren't ready to be parents, we were not f ready, physically ready, or emotionally ready for kids. That adoption is something that we were considering. She just listened and told me that no matter what Bryan and I choose she would be there for me 100%.
After talking with Bryan we had decided that adoption was the option we were going to do. I wanted to give the thing that was growing a chance of a life time to be with a family that was ready for a baby and a mom that was wanting to be a mom but couldn't. I was confident in our desision and my family although some maybe didn't understand were behind us and our decision, and if they weren't they never expressed it to Bryan and I fully and I appreciate that. We had made up our minds. We were going the adoption route and going to do open adoption. We were ready start the process of getting an adoption family from an acency, I even emailed one asking how to start the process, when I got a call from my sister-in-law.
She called to let us know that they wanted to adopt the baby, that is if Bryan and I felt comfortable to do so. We just found out that the baby was a boy. She made sure to let me know that it was up to us and it was our decision but they would love us to consider them as the parents to the little one. That night I had a dream that they had adopted the baby and they were making room for him to be a part of thier family. When I woke I knew that it was the right decision. That morning Bryan and I talked and we both agreed that it was the right way to go.
That text message that I sent lifted a ton of weight that I had been holding on to for a few weeks. Little Jay would be in our family and I would get to experience the joy of watching him grow up with two people that I know and love. Little Jay would be able to know my mom and sisters and someday I would get to tell him about my dad.
I held on to this news because I feared what people would think of me. I feared they wouldn't see me as Angie anymore. I feared that they would always think the worse of me. I beat my self up with those thoughts. I feared the judgement of others who wouldn't understand. I feared that God would think of me as a horrible person for not wanting this thing that He knitted together. I know not everyone will understand but I know also that God brings us on amazing journeys for a reason. Sometimes we have to go through the valley to get to the top. I also have to remember its not the worlds view of me that matters it was God thinks of me. For a few weeks I was in a dark place and I forgot that.
My hope is that sharing my story that others will see that even if you are not ready for something like pregnancy there is someone that is. I have read thousands of stories of families waiting of a baby to call their own. I personally know a story of a family, and amazing family with two of the most loved kids that were adopted. I hope sharing my story that others see that its okay not to want to have kids and be a mom or dad. You don't have to feel the shame of that. I hope sharing my story shows you how much its okay not to be what society says is normal that you are allowed to break the mold and walk down your own less traveled path even if it means doing it alone. Lastly I hope that with sharing my story you see that even when you feel alone I want you to know that I am praying that you have a support system that is amazing as the one Bryan and I have. I don't know how I would make it through any of this if it wasn't for my family. When I say family I mean my school Family, my friends that I call family, my church family and well the people that are really my family by blood or marriage.
Please if you have a minute please pray for me, my family and especially our new family member soon arriving DECEMBER 7th. He is loved by so many already. Thank you Scott and Alisha I just know that out of all the people in the world I would choose you both over and over again.