The worst feeling in the world is not feeling like yourself. At least for me it is. Its the moment you question everything you are, choices you made, career moves, things you think, and even the words you say. I have been feeling like that for some time now. Feeling like no matter what I did I couldn't get away from the the negative thoughts I was feeling. It wasn't so much negative thoughts as it was bitter. Bitter thoughts consumed and invaded my thoughts like poison ivy. Putting little steaks in each memory for me to tortuously remember every detail. I felt like I was swimming in my own thoughts all by myself and in most cases I was. I removed myself from anything that would force me to face the giants I had in my way. I had started putting up the walls I had worked so hard to break away from B
R
I
C
K
by boring brick!
I had decided myself that it was in my best interest to stay away, stay away from fellowship from others and everything that reminded me of my open heart that just was ripped open into thousand pieces.
AM I THE BEST VERSION OF MY SELF!?
Started to reverberate though the crevasses of my heart the very crevasses that circulated my blood around to the appendages of my body. In Romans Paul begins to talk how we should view ourselves in relation to others, even in relation to God. He says,
"Just as each of us has one body with many members,
and these members do not all have the same functions,
so in Christ we who are many form one body with, and
each member belongs to all the others." (Romans 12:4 - 5)
But the part that really got me, the part that hit me right in the gut...
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, faith in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. BLESS THOSE WHO PERSECUTE YOU; BLESS AND DO NOT CURSE. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who morn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." (Romans 12: 9-16)
Then then Paul slips this in,
"DO NOT REPAY ANYONE EVIL FOR EVIL. BE CAREFUL TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT IN THE EYES OF EVERYBODY. IF IT IS POSSIBLE, AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, LIVE AT PEACE WITH EVERYONE." (Romans 12: 17-18)
Last time I checked being bitter towards someone is the complete opposite of everything that Paul wrote. The bible even talk to us about being bitter. Again its Paul is writing but here is the kicker my friends,
HE IS IN PRISON WHILE HE WAS WRITING THIS!
P.R.I.S.O.N! PEOPLE!!
My thoughts on this is, "An't nobody got time for forgiveness in PRISON!"
But Paul, who probably at one time was the cause of other bitterness, decided that this wasn't going to be they way he lived his life. He had spend many years running away from God, he was was going to spend the rest of his life running on the heels of Jesus. He was all about change and living your life for God through the murky waters. He says,
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4: 29)
OUCH...When I read that, I could just picture Jesus with that smile of, 'now shes getting it'. He goes on to say,
"GET RID OF ALL BITTERNESS, RAGE AND ANGER, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just in CHRIST JESUS FORGAVE YOU." (Ephesians 4: 31-32)
Confession, I wasn't any of those things, I would actually throw things in anger, usually my keys when I was in conversation about the situation. I was not compassionate, I wasn't loving, I wasn't totally forgiving.
MY HEART WAS HURT!
Hurt in a way that I don't think will ever totally be healed. All this because words were spoken in a way that wasn't full of grace, or understanding. Words I will never ever be able to forget. Words that STUNG....WORDS that BIT......WORDS that were just WORDS...WORDS that didn't UPLIFT....WORDS that left me CONFUSED...Words
WO
RD
S!
THAT TORE MY FRIENDSHIP AWAY.
Words are like toothpaste. Have you have tried to put toothpaste back into the tube? At one point I thought I had forgave my friend that hurt me and I was sure I had. I never gave the thought to forgiveness just the first step of many. Getting to a place where love takes over those bitter feeling is a process and doesn't happen overnight. In my feeble brain I thought it had. I thought that once I forgave everything would feel all better. I had totally convinced myself they had. All the while I was pushing those nagging heart tugs away. I had forgiven a friend for one part but deep down I was still hurt. I felt complete friend betrayal and that they had stolen something special and they didn't care. They didn't care of the ripple effect it was going to cause. They had taken many conversations that we had had where I had poured my heart and twisted them to negativity. I left, I left a group I loved. I left a life I was used to. I just left. Anywhere near the heartbreak I felt, was no where for me to be.
THEN THE WINDS BEGAN TO CHANGE and A BREATH OF FRESH AIR began to waft my way....
Friends from far and near began to speak into my life. Reassuring me that despite my feelings that I was going to be okay. I began to start living in the old me, that
"BEST VERSION OF MYSELF".
I decided that it was okay to finally let go and LET GOD! That I would start to LOVE instead of HATE. That I would try to understand rather that point fingers and yell, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS PERSON DID TO ME?" That I would begin to dig deep and rooted in God and share my life with those friends that stuck by me every step of the way.
There was a question posed by a pastor friend of mine recently he asked, "Is there a point and time where you need to cut ties with a person?" I never answered then but I finally ready to. I believe that we can forgive a person but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to let them back in to your life. Especially if they don't bring out the best version of yourself. You are the people you do life with. While I close that chapter of friendship. I open another one to new possibilities of creating a place where God is my roots and I am firmly planted in Him. Now is the start of chiseling those bricks and mortar, and I am finally feeling free.
Dear Reader, please don't loose hope in any situation that you are going through. I know it might feel like the wind has been knocked out of you but the DAWN IS COMING. No, its not instant happiness or an instant feeling of peace but the dawn will come and you will begin again. My prayer is that you have a great support system. That you are strong enough forgive those who wronged you but also be strong enough to walk away from something that doesn't bring glory to God. Take care and always remember God Loves Through any storm.
R
I
C
K
by boring brick!
I had decided myself that it was in my best interest to stay away, stay away from fellowship from others and everything that reminded me of my open heart that just was ripped open into thousand pieces.
AM I THE BEST VERSION OF MY SELF!?
Started to reverberate though the crevasses of my heart the very crevasses that circulated my blood around to the appendages of my body. In Romans Paul begins to talk how we should view ourselves in relation to others, even in relation to God. He says,
"Just as each of us has one body with many members,
and these members do not all have the same functions,
so in Christ we who are many form one body with, and
each member belongs to all the others." (Romans 12:4 - 5)
But the part that really got me, the part that hit me right in the gut...
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, faith in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. BLESS THOSE WHO PERSECUTE YOU; BLESS AND DO NOT CURSE. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who morn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." (Romans 12: 9-16)
Then then Paul slips this in,
"DO NOT REPAY ANYONE EVIL FOR EVIL. BE CAREFUL TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT IN THE EYES OF EVERYBODY. IF IT IS POSSIBLE, AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU, LIVE AT PEACE WITH EVERYONE." (Romans 12: 17-18)
Last time I checked being bitter towards someone is the complete opposite of everything that Paul wrote. The bible even talk to us about being bitter. Again its Paul is writing but here is the kicker my friends,
HE IS IN PRISON WHILE HE WAS WRITING THIS!
P.R.I.S.O.N! PEOPLE!!
My thoughts on this is, "An't nobody got time for forgiveness in PRISON!"
But Paul, who probably at one time was the cause of other bitterness, decided that this wasn't going to be they way he lived his life. He had spend many years running away from God, he was was going to spend the rest of his life running on the heels of Jesus. He was all about change and living your life for God through the murky waters. He says,
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4: 29)
OUCH...When I read that, I could just picture Jesus with that smile of, 'now shes getting it'. He goes on to say,
"GET RID OF ALL BITTERNESS, RAGE AND ANGER, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just in CHRIST JESUS FORGAVE YOU." (Ephesians 4: 31-32)
Confession, I wasn't any of those things, I would actually throw things in anger, usually my keys when I was in conversation about the situation. I was not compassionate, I wasn't loving, I wasn't totally forgiving.
MY HEART WAS HURT!
Hurt in a way that I don't think will ever totally be healed. All this because words were spoken in a way that wasn't full of grace, or understanding. Words I will never ever be able to forget. Words that STUNG....WORDS that BIT......WORDS that were just WORDS...WORDS that didn't UPLIFT....WORDS that left me CONFUSED...Words
WO
RD
S!
THAT TORE MY FRIENDSHIP AWAY.
Words are like toothpaste. Have you have tried to put toothpaste back into the tube? At one point I thought I had forgave my friend that hurt me and I was sure I had. I never gave the thought to forgiveness just the first step of many. Getting to a place where love takes over those bitter feeling is a process and doesn't happen overnight. In my feeble brain I thought it had. I thought that once I forgave everything would feel all better. I had totally convinced myself they had. All the while I was pushing those nagging heart tugs away. I had forgiven a friend for one part but deep down I was still hurt. I felt complete friend betrayal and that they had stolen something special and they didn't care. They didn't care of the ripple effect it was going to cause. They had taken many conversations that we had had where I had poured my heart and twisted them to negativity. I left, I left a group I loved. I left a life I was used to. I just left. Anywhere near the heartbreak I felt, was no where for me to be.
THEN THE WINDS BEGAN TO CHANGE and A BREATH OF FRESH AIR began to waft my way....
Friends from far and near began to speak into my life. Reassuring me that despite my feelings that I was going to be okay. I began to start living in the old me, that
"BEST VERSION OF MYSELF".
I decided that it was okay to finally let go and LET GOD! That I would start to LOVE instead of HATE. That I would try to understand rather that point fingers and yell, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS PERSON DID TO ME?" That I would begin to dig deep and rooted in God and share my life with those friends that stuck by me every step of the way.
There was a question posed by a pastor friend of mine recently he asked, "Is there a point and time where you need to cut ties with a person?" I never answered then but I finally ready to. I believe that we can forgive a person but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to let them back in to your life. Especially if they don't bring out the best version of yourself. You are the people you do life with. While I close that chapter of friendship. I open another one to new possibilities of creating a place where God is my roots and I am firmly planted in Him. Now is the start of chiseling those bricks and mortar, and I am finally feeling free.
Dear Reader, please don't loose hope in any situation that you are going through. I know it might feel like the wind has been knocked out of you but the DAWN IS COMING. No, its not instant happiness or an instant feeling of peace but the dawn will come and you will begin again. My prayer is that you have a great support system. That you are strong enough forgive those who wronged you but also be strong enough to walk away from something that doesn't bring glory to God. Take care and always remember God Loves Through any storm.